So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
