I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
