thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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