nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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