I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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