this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
