xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
third nipple confirmed
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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