I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Randomize
