textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
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I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
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I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed