peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
