mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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