Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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