Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
