This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
