My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
im six kinds of drunk right now
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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