I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
