i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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