You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
