Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
