I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
