i would punch a child for taco bell
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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