if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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