Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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