You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
