Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
being pregnant is like rehab
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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