I feel great
I just peed on a car
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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