please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
