I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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