he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
