hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
what is it with giant penises always finding me
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
