i don't plan on having that self control this summer
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
