I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
