Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
