i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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