She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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