I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Floor bacon is actually really good
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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