My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
