small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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