a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
