Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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