If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
