when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
