ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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