i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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