As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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