I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
