Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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