I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
