so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
My cat gives me a boner
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We're too hungover to prance.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
