These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
