Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
