Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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