In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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