Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
