all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
