Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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