I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
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