I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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