Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
