I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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