I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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