Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
