I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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