Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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