Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
