The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
