Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
